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Bang Dust

by Hovering Shrikes

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1.
Starfields 03:39
The falling leaves are starfields. My car accelerates. Your bed: a distant planet. This highway: outer space. Empty bottles in the backseat: my shimmering comet tail. It’s Saturn’s rings I collide as I spark off the guardrail. Window down. The wind, now, is unforgiving cold. It carries all of your perfumes. The smell is new. The particles are old -- Big Bang dust, I’m told. Are you raising your antenna? Are you waiting for the “Wow!”? My whole voice is Doppler-shifting as I radio it out. Rear tires are rumbling dust up like a rover on the moon that has retired itself to looping figure eights amongst the craters and the dunes. I once worshipped the expansion of all things toward their end. I am now terrified of being lapped by wherever things begin and never catching up to it, forever snapping every stitch, like pulling pins out of a hem lubricated by death wish and gin, until, collapsing, I give in to only ever being this -- admit wholeness cannot exist without you wrapped around my skin, holding this lack of guts in.
2.
Invincible 03:27
Because I was invincible, it did not bother me at all to see the many drenched faces of my abandoned friendships approaching me with torches and old rope, topographies of my throat, and protest songs. “Monster, monster, whatchu see?” I see people watching me become a thing I never intended to be. “Monster, monster, whatchu want?” To be forgiven for a lot of things I did and things that I did not. Well, torches can only burn so hot, I know, and I was so cold words froze as they fell onto the mob below. And the rope, the rope, the rope, I recognized: it hauled me into shore, one time, and subsequently tied my limbs to lips and legs in beds where I begged to be released, to die, while salt cracked off of me all night. “Well, monster, monster, whatchu see?” I see people watching me become a thing I never intended to be. “Monster, monster, whatchu want?” To be forgiven for a lot of things I did and things that I did not. Well, I could hear them chanting for my confession, penance, or death, but, because I was invincible, I roared for them to come get my head. “Monster, monster, whatchu see?” I see people watching me become a thing I never intended to be. “Monster, monster, whatchu want?” To be forgiven for a lot of things I did and things that I did not, did not, did not, did not, did not, did not, did not.
3.
Summer Love 03:16
Girls look so pretty till you get up close, and then they don’t. At least, not most. Oh, where’d you go, summer love? Boys are so smart till you talk to them. You hear their filament fists just rattling -- the bulb’s gone dim, summer love. Some are hungry, some are thirsty, some are so about to burst. The sun above says some of us should go. Some are lovely. Some are ugly. Some are really something, buddy. All are some I’d like to know. And some are, some are, some are, some are, some are, some are summer love. I spent my whole quarter at the nickel arcade, thinking, that way, we both could play. Oh, where’d you go, summer love? Licking your fingers, watching fireworks with cherry pie eyes and a grass-stained skirt. Oh, where’d you go, summer love? Soggy boys swim up and they say, “Hey.” And you say, “Hey.” And I just play. Oh, where’d you go, summer love? Some are hungry, some are thirsty, some are so about to burst. The sun above says some of us should go. Some are lovely. Some are ugly. Some are really something, buddy. All are some I’d like to know. And some are, some are, some are, some are, some are, some are summer love. And some are nothing we know. We know nothing, nothing we know. We know nothing, nothing we know. We know nothing, nothing we know. We know nothing, nothing we know.
4.
Nectarine 04:41
Nectarine, nectarine -- juice dripping down your seams. For whom are you waiting? Nectarine, nectarine -- come on, it’s all over your knees. Let’s go get you clean. I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to. I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to. Nectarine, nectarine -- should I be real or phantomine? Should I be even witnessing? Nectarine -- I’ve never seen such bags beneath young eyes. What weight are they holding? I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to. I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to. Nectarine, nectarine -- let she who’s never slit her wrists inside a dream cast the first stone pit, uselessly, into the sea. I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to. I will love you if I have to. I will have you if you’d love me to.
5.
With elegant long tweezers, she pulls chocolate diamond figures from beneath her fingernails. The sun is turning over. She’s forgotten last night’s lover -- just another boom without a sail. She plucks a soggy paperback out of her Givenchy beach bag and turns it to the dog-eared denouement. The protagonist is tiring of some love that is expiring, but he’s got a job to do, and it’s the law. A breeze. A squeeze. A lime coin tossed. A sip. More lip. Her legs recross, recross. Hexagonal sunglasses hiding winged eyelines and lashes elongated till they dust against the lens. The sheriff in her story hangs his gun belt up and kneels to pray, “O Lord, don’t make me ride through that again.” The sun. The fun she knows she's had. Low shadows of the good, the bad. A sniff. A sip. She heaves her chest. A wave. Last page. The trough. The crest. The crest. The crest. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
6.
Who's this image you hold onto? Is she even what she was? Vibratory imitations' limitations, the senselessness of touch. Oh, there's a hundred conversations to be overheard each night? Well there’s a thousand ways to watch her wear her scarf in dual light. But these all are only codas and their rhymes are obvious. When she's saying "we" right through you, you insist on hearing "us." Is your diary a record or a requiem of sorts, composed of notes and hopes and half-truths and misremembered quotes? She was watching every sunset every night from the west cliffs (or, from beyond the frond where you crouched, you hallucinated this). You can hammer every mirror till your own hands start to fade -- until the skin is sloughing off them, till the tides regenerate -- but she'll still be a reflection of just who you want to see, and not who you'll ever be with or who anyone will be. So go down to the swamplands. Eat the redead fish until the radiation sickness cures you, if anything ever will. Because there's nothing as fulfilling as the viewing of the end when you are certain it’ll be the beginning again.
7.
Dead sleep scrolls. Buzz. Blue glow. Knuckle-twitch nothingness. Videos. Looping notes. Know the moves. Slow the grooves. If it’s this or dreaming, then it’s this over anything. If it’s this or being, then it’s this, then it’s this, then it’s this over anything. Postpone sleep. Enlarge scene. Her singing -- you’re tingling. Axis flip. One more trip. Slap rewind every time. If it’s this or dreaming, then it’s this over anything. If it’s this or being, then it’s this, then it’s this, then it’s this over anything. Then it’s this, then it’s this, then it’s this over anything. Then it’s this, then it’s this, then it’s this over anything.
8.
I could always count on you to tell me all the ways we’re through. I was a leaf on the lowest branch -- away from ground, but too scared to land. But I always felt the rain. You were dust in a sandstorm. You kept me around to keep you warm. I burned alive just to make you glass. Forget the now to forgive the past and the small things keep me sane. There are things that I regret, but, in this case, I feel nothing. In this case, I feel nothing. Barking my tree up the wrong door. There were things we could achieve. I cut the cord and now I’m flying. We were just slowly dying. What’s the use of prolonging it more? We made gunk from gold and myrrh, a life built on what you prefer. Somehow soured my last sweet tooth -- too many sips from that fountain of youth. And it all still tastes the same. There are things that I regret, but, in this case, I feel nothing. In this case, I feel nothing. Barking my tree up the wrong door. There were things we could achieve. Cut the cord and now I’m flying. We were just slowly dying. What’s the use of prolonging it more?
9.
Knoxville boy, I hate the way you beg. With limbs all roach-curled, ain’t it time to accept fate? The birds aren’t keeping quiet -- I shot them all today. Knoxville boy, why can’t you just lie to lie, lie to lie, lay to lay? I was a roofer. I was stomping around in tar above the houses and the steeple seemed so far. The only shapes that I could see that were not a blur were the notes your mouth was making as it formed a sacred harp. Who taught you singing? There’s blood in your harmonies, like there’s blood everywhere as you cry up to me. But I’m not your god, boy. No mercy can I give except to promise you: all will rot what lives. Knoxville boy, I hate the way you beg. With digits twitching, it is time to take your fate. Knoxville boy, you could have had my every breath, but now the only stuff that’s gonna fill your lungs is dust and death. You kept my secrets, but you kept them like a kiss, giving little pecks to every stranger for the love of lust and risk. Well, I saw your lips leaving a forehead that I knew, and trust me, Knoxville boy -- she’ll soon be joining you. I heard the preacher ploying, “Satan must be real!” By how your jaw hangs off in terror and awe, I guess that’s how you feel. But, don’t you know the preacher leaves a hoofprint, not a heel, as he’s tiptoeing to bedrooms, making sure his flock doth kneel? Knoxville boy, I hate the way you beg. There’s mud across my knuckles; tell me that you like the taste. In heart-shaped patterns, I’ll drag you by the golden hair till only gold remains of you, and then I’ll go be nobody’s nobody -- no, no, no, no, no -- nowhere.
10.
Palms 02:32
Turning my palms toward your hands is an effortless motion. Turning, the palms yearn over the sands and yaw with aubades of the ocean. Last night was something to be sung about, but who could divine worthy lyrics? You in my clutches, wriggling like a mustache, and both us cloudbusting our spirits. Be beneath the porte-cochère at midnight and I will be there. Day will come and, with it, ships -- including one I mean to miss. A quarter to four now, the ti’ punch is poured out. The hopefulness, boredom, and anxiousness swirling. And now half past eight, but the sun is still hanging too proud in the sky to avoid prying eyes. Eleven PM. I’ll not be caught dozing. Soon, my skin will never be without yours again. Now the clock’s gonna chime. My valise at my side. Is that your shadow creeping toward me with the tide? Be beneath the porte-cochère at midnight and I will be there. Be beneath the porte-cochère at midnight and I will be there. Be beneath the porte-cochère at midnight and I will be there. Be beneath the porte-cochère at midnight, be it spring or snare.
11.
No Proof 03:34
Cold was blowing in from somewhere, warmth was whimpering not to leave, and the wind was prying secrets from between the rotting eaves. The wind was prying secrets from between the rotting eaves. You were pouring out the milk jug. It had spoiled while we slept. Hibernation has some side effects -- only some will make you retch. Stay you grateful for the rest, though stay you wary it’s the last. Stay you terrified the future’s carbon smudges of the past. I stood cleated on the ladder to repair the season’s harm. What’s another fifty fucking nails and another pail of tar? Another goddamn dripping thing of tar. You were quiet in a pile of leaves that gathered to your chin. I tugged a marionette heartstring to lift your heavy lids. To lift, lift, lift, lift, lift your heavy lids. And the eyes that climbed the rungs to me were greyer than I’ve seen even any other winter, and you slumped like cheap sateen. Slumping cheap sateen. Stay you grateful for the rest, though stay you wary it’s the last. Stay you terrified the future’s carbon smudges of the past. Well, I took my time returning to the ground from on the roof. You say I made no effort. I say you have no proof. No vision and no proof. There is always more cold coming. There is always sleep to need. There is always milk that’s spoiling for you to pour on me. Stay you grateful for the rest, though stay you wary it’s the last. Stay you terrified the future’s carbon smudges of the past.
12.
There it was: the canyon I’d imagined all this time, its walls rising to hush me while my echoes hung like chimes. The shadows of the chaparral -- impossible in size as they free-soloed striations to engulf the blistering light. I knew that you'd be waiting, though you'd never be my bride. I touched my hip, my holster. My flask was there, alright. I stole a slaking sip as I surveyed the countryside. Where exactly, now, to seek you and to rest my leathered hide? It must have been, now, twenty years since I’d last rode this dirt. It recognized my boot heel, which left no stone unhurt. I wondered if the demons I’d dispatched had recomposed, and was it wind or their invisible teeth gnashing at my clothes? I knew that I was bleeding, that my guts were twisted up, but I hoped you would receive me and allow a healing sup. No one else could press wild licorice into such a salving paste, nor bring sweetness to ephedra by imbuing her own taste. Well, if you wish a man to suffer, only leave him on his own -- to his vices and devices, to his desperate undertones. He will pull toward you forever, never knowing where to go, every ache another bindle bobbing off his broken bones. There is nothing he’ll be prouder of than languishing for love and becoming something heavier than he can rise above. Is it mercy to tableau with my mirages on the trail? That men are stronger than their senses is a fetid fairytale. We are weak by nature, hideous to behold or be held by. We say we're turning leaves over, but we know we don’t try. But if all of my worst instincts are what led me to this place, who am I to deny destiny, albeit equally shitfaced? Who am I to echo in your canyon, "Hello, hello, hello," when it takes you so few words to tell me, "Go?" Who am I to echo in your canyon, "Hello, hello, hello," when it takes you so few words to tell me, "Go?" Who am I to echo in your canyon, "Hello, hello, hello," when it takes you so few words to tell me, "Go?" Who am I to echo in your canyon, "Hello, hello, hello," when it takes you so few words to tell me, "Go?"
13.
The drinks are on me. Or was that the joke? It’s so good to be lonely with you folks. It’s darker inside here than it is outside, and that’s where I like it -- away from the light. I ain't saying we're compañeros or that we should be. I'll stay strange to you. Please stay a stranger to me. It's darker inside here than it is outside, and that's where I like it -- away from the light. Some 151 is all we need for a glow, or some lemon extract for those in the know. A party’s a party with me or without, but since we’re all here now, how 'bout let’s not head out? The drinks are on me. Or was that the joke? It’s so good to be lonely with you folks. It’s darker inside here than it is outside, and that’s where I like it -- away from the light. I ain't saying we're compañeros or that we should be. I'll stay strange to you. Please stay a stranger to me. It's darker inside here than it is outside, and that's where I like it -- away from the light. Let’s stay till we’ve checked off five hundred or so and wait for the next five hundred so we don’t have to go. The drinks are on me. Or was that the joke? It’s so good to be lonely with you folks. It’s darker inside here than it is outside, and that’s where I like it -- away from the light. I ain't saying we're compañeros or that we should be. I'll stay strange to you. Please stay a stranger to me. It's darker inside here than it is outside, and that's where I like it -- away from the light. Away, away, away from the light. Away, away, away from the light -- sloshed moths to tribal fires.

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How to survive in the space between magnets that are constantly switching their polarity -- at times, hopelessly drawn to people; at times, ferociously repulsed. Breaking free from that magnetism only to give in to the toxic impulse of missing how it feels to spin.

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released April 9, 2021

Lyrics and vocals: Ryan Wilson
Instruments and mix/master magic: Casey Frantum

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Hovering Shrikes Portland, Oregon

Lyric-driven post-punk from Portland.

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